How to Reduce your Expectations to Reduce Anxiety

Do you plan out every detail of how you want things to go?

Do you run scenarios in your head about what will happen?

Are you disappointed when it doesn’t work out as you envisaged?

“Not everything will go as you expect in your life. This is why you need to drop expectations, and go with the flow of life.” – Leon Brown

Expectations are when you believe something will happen a certain way, or envisage how something will go; when you anticipate a preconceived outcome.

Expectations can be a driving force behind negative thoughts and feelings.

There are different types of expectations: 

1.  Expectations of others; 
2. Their expectations of you;
3. Your expectations about events or situations and how they will turn out.

Some of these expectations are conscious: when you hope that something will go the way you want it, or assume it will. And some of them are unconscious: when you’ve already experienced something and thus anticipation what to expect.

Problems occur when these expectations start to take over and you become disappointed or frustrated when they aren’t fulfilled — or you don’t fulfil those of the people around you. 

This can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, resent, anxiety and may even result in disengaging with individual people, or social groups.

For example: 

When I moved to Holland to be with my partner I realised both my partner and his group of friends had expected me to find my own way there, whereas I had expected to be supported by my partner and his friends when I arrived. This conflict left me feeling rejected by them on a very personal level.

Although the further expectations from them was that I would turn up and join in anyway, so I had to put my feelings aside and go along with it to be accepted by them and my partner. Often though it meant I would just stand alone and not engage.

In this situation I had expectations of people, and they had expectations of me, and in the end, neither were met.

In the end it led to eventual disconnect in my relationship; I felt let down by my partner’s lack of support, and he felt let down by my unwillingness to join in. I felt misunderstood, and he didn’t understand, so a circle of resent and frustration grew.

“All the disconnected people I know are trying to be something they are not, and do something they cannot.”- David Gayson

On a smaller scale, this can happen when you expect a certain reaction from someone. You anticipate what they will say or that they’ll respond in a particular way. If you don’t get the response you’re looking for you can feel disappointed. And sometimes you react to that feeling and make a situation worse.

For example, my partner bought me concert tickets to see a singer I loved and expected me to be overjoyed about it. But as soon as I saw the tickets, I saw the seating location — 4th tier! I suffer vertigo so this was an immediate worry for me.

He had expected me to be elated, and because I wasn’t, he became disappointed, first responding with anger and then withdrawing. When I saw this I felt guilty and chided myself, feeling bad I hadn’t responded as he wanted. Thus the entire situation produced a negative circle of reactions.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” — Shakespeare. 

Having expectations can affect all areas of your life: from school to work, in relationships with friends and lover, and also as a parent and a child.

When I became a mother I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I put myself under enormous pressure to perform a certain way to fulfil my own expectations and those of society. I had expectations of what motherhood would be like, but none of them matched up to what I was experiencing. 

I struggled with the responsibility, which made me feel bad about myself, and question my ability as a mother. I felt like I was failing. It left me short tempered and frustrated, which made it difficult for my child to engage with me, and for me to engage with them. It led to feelings of inadequacy for both me and my child.

Fortunately I sought help, and realised I was living to some predefined set of ideals, which I could change. I let go of all the preconceived ideas I had about what type of mother I should be, and started to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. I started to relax with my child, and to reach out and connect — and it worked.

“When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be.” — Mandy Hale

In all of these instances the common factor is that an outcome was expected.

I learnt the first step in changing this is recognising you are expecting an outcome.

The second step is train yourself into stop thinking ahead and planning out how something will go, or how someone will react (positive or negative). 

You need to remain open, and be okay with whatever might happen, without trying to foresee an outcome.

Once you have done that you can focus on the moment, the here and now, and not on something further down the line. If you show up with an open mind and no predefined idea about how something should go, then you are open to all and any eventuality — and in particular the opportunity enjoy it.

“Expectations are what you expect, not how things are.” — Eckhart Tolle

By reducing your expectations of everything and everyone around you, you can reduce the negative impact of those expectations and avoid feelings of disappointment, frustration, and also anxiety.

In relationships you can connect, rather than disconnect, giving everyone room to be who they are, and not what anyone thinks they should be.

The only response you can anticipate is our own. 

You control nothing and no one outside of yourself. 

You have a choice about how you react, and how you wish to show up in any given situation, so the best option is to relax and be yourself.

How to Avoid Being in 'Victim Mode'

Do you ever feel like you don't have a choice in the things you do?

When things don’t work out, do you feel like it's not your fault?

Do you ever feel like everything works against you?

Then you might be in 'victim mode'.

“By not accepting responsibility for our personal circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.”- Steve Maraboli 

‘Being in victim  mode’ meaning thinking in such a way that that you feel the world is against you, and that if things don’t work out it’s always due to someone or something else; external factors are responsible and you have no power to change them. It can also be when you feel choices are made for you, and you feel you have no say in your life, or elements of your life.

There are genuine times when things aren’t in our control and we are abused in some way and we are an honest victim, but this blog post doesn’t relate to that. I am talking about when we don’t recover from those events or moments, and we stay in them - even wallow in them, using them as an excuse not to move forward and do the things we want and need to do for ourselves.

We might attach a certain meaning to an event or situation that has traumatised us, and never allow ourselves to move on from it. Our view on the world then becomes tainted; we look at everything in our lives from this damaged perspective, validating our inability to move on by this event or situation, using it as a crutch or excuse.

“In challenging circumstances we can either choose to be a survivor or we can choose to be a victim. Considering that they both take the same amount of effort, the choice you make will determine your path forward.” – Mary Holloway

It can be tricky to recognise this mindset. It can creep up and display itself in many forms, such as procrastination, fear, negativity, anxiety and depression. It can vary in its degrees when it shows up and can completely shut a person down.

I have been living a long time in a foreign country. I struggled with settling here. I felt that the decision to come here wasn’t mine, and that I had no choice if I wanted to be with my partner. I told myself that I had to move countries and particularly settle in this small village if I wanted to be with them. And once here I felt I had no power to change anything in my life and fulfil my needs. I felt I was duty bound to attend social events and family functions. I felt it was expected of me to fulfil everyone else’s desires, to make them happy, and whenever I felt angry about it (which was often) I blamed them: I blamed them for my choices, my sacrifices (as I saw them), and my unhappiness.

It took me several years in therapy to realise that I DID have power in my life, that I did have choices, and that I was responsible for them. That I didn’t have to go to any of those events - that I could say no.

“By saying yes to when you need to say no, you cripple the most important relationship in your life: the relationship between you and you.” – Nea Joy

I realised that I had been the one who had talked myself into coming here; I had been the one telling myself that I would lose my partner if I didn’t; that their happiness was more important than mine; that if I kept on giving up everything I held dear, eventually I would be appreciated for it, and loved for it.

It coloured my view on the entire situation and place. I became chronically unhappy and unpleasant to be around, which in turn made me start to dislike myself. I would feel anger because I believed someone else had made me come here and put me through this. And then turn I would feel guilty about expressing that anger, and I would then turn that anger on myself. I built resent towards my partner, and self-loathing towards myself for putting myself in this situation - a vicious circle of negative feelings.

It was only when I started to be honest with myself about my feelings and about the choices I had made that I started to be able to change them. I started to think about what I wanted, and what I didn’t want. And I started to make defined choices and changes. I took my power back. I listened to how I felt – inside – and started to move forward by acknowledging and accepting how I felt.

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.” - Dr.Phil

By acknowledging my part in ‘letting’ these things happen to me, going along with them even though I knew I didn’t want to, I reduced the feelings of anger and frustration. I was able to feel I had power to make choices and decisions again.

I still find myself in this mindset from time to time, particularly when I have let the negative internal dialogue get the better of me. But the steps I now take are:

• Hearing that dialogue and recognising it as destructive;
• Identifying what is creating it – am I doing something I don’t want to? What’s making me feel bad?
• Countering the dialogue with the truth of the situation;
• Reminding myself what I can do to help myself by going through the choices I have;
• Focusing on what I can do and take action.

Taking action is the key to imprinting a new thought process and showing yourself you are capable, and dispelling the negative voices that might say otherwise.

“The path to success is to take massive determined action.” - Tony Robbins

This applies to both large steps in your life, and small steps. It could be just calling someone, meeting up with them, or arranging to do something you want to do. Or it could be getting a job, or setting up a business. Whatever it is, if it confirms the power we have, it helps us feel that we are living and thriving, not just surviving.